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how do I get over this guy?

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tough question...how have you girls gone over breakups in the past?

I usually started going out with somebody else as soon as possible, just to get my mind of my ex. for a while it seemed to work really good, but once I realized that the "new guy" isn´t what I want I usually got back to being depressed and being my ex back. but by that time usually a couple of weeks had passed so I was already in the process of moving on.

did that make sense


I´m recently trying this again. but I can´t go out with somebody else-tried it, but I´m just bored of the new guy and always compare him to the old guy *g*. maybe it´s that I´ve never been in love like that before in my life (as with the old guy)

any suggestiions? how do you girls usually hand this? pls don´t tell me to move on, that´s what EVERYBODY tells me and I can´t hear it any more. and the thing is: it´s somehow not completely over..we never actually broke up. but the story is more difficult to explain (we live in different continents !!)

sorry for this being so long,

Arielle

 
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Oh, honey, I do this everytime I have a breakup. The last breakup was especially hard and painful. I alternated between dating everyone else under the sky and "being" with him occasionally. It was quite bad. No matter who I was with, I wanted to be with him.

And then when I got to be with him, I'd try to persuade him that we should be together. After a year of this, we finally managed to separate and I finally managed to realize that he wasn't the one for me. In fact, he wasn't good enough for me. And he was actually quite a jerk.

Now, I have a wonderful guy who I'm not good enough for!


I know that there is no advice any of us can give that will help. My advice is just to take it day by day. See if anything happens between you two but don't shut out the possibility of another person. But also don't date everyone under the sun like I did! It's a waste of time and may confuse the situation more.

You never know what will happen. One day, you may just be with him again. Or, one day, you may just wake up and realize that you're over it.

Hope you feel better soon!

 
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thanks sooo much. good to know I´m not the only one who does the crazy dating-around-thing after a breakup. but I´m realizing it´s not working this time.

And I can immagine that it´s hard to get over with if you still see the guy sometimes. in my case that´s not gonna happen (i´ll probably won´t see him in the next 2 years...he´ll be in the army). but I still feel that we´re meant to be together. and that makes me think I´m stupid b/c I totally have my day dreams and illusions about us getting married one day. I`m so pathetic!!! (and we´ve only spent 2 weeks (2 times) together, so overall one month...can you believe that??)


but hopefully it´ll get better, as you said day-by-day.

 
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OMG, I had a relationship *just* like that! I met a guy here and he moved to Alaska a month after I met him. Then I visited him during Spring Break, which gives us a grand total of 5 weeks.
But I was crazy nuts about him and we ended up being together for 7 months. I had planned a trip during the summer but the stupid airforce wouldn't let him go home (he was in the school part of his training). I was fed up, so I broke up with him.

You may find yourself feeling fed up after awhile. A long distance relationship is not an easy thing to keep up anyway and you know what they say... out of sight, out of mind.

But it's not pathetic that you feel strongly about him. I mean, you love him, right? And love is never rational. One of my professors once told me that he is a very rational guy, very educated (duh) but when it comes to his wife, all of that flies out the door and everything is irrational. So maybe the fact that you feel strongly about him means something. Or you could be just feeling way too much because you're in love.

So, yeah, day by day. Alcohol helps.
BUT, it is self-destructive behavior, which I can acknowledge, but I did it too.


Originally Posted by Arielle thanks sooo much. good to know I´m not the only one who does the crazy dating-around-thing after a breakup. but I´m realizing it´s not working this time.
And I can immagine that it´s hard to get over with if you still see the guy sometimes. in my case that´s not gonna happen (i´ll probably won´t see him in the next 2 years...he´ll be in the army). but I still feel that we´re meant to be together. and that makes me think I´m stupid b/c I totally have my day dreams and illusions about us getting married one day. I`m so pathetic!!! (and we´ve only spent 2 weeks (2 times) together, so overall one month...can you believe that??)


but hopefully it´ll get better, as you said day-by-day.

 
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i'm in a rush to go to work, so i didnt' read the posts above me, but i will once i have time!

i was with a guy for about 3 years and it was the hardest thing i ever had to do in my life. things weren't turning out so good because we were growing up, wanting different things. when we broke up, about 2 weeks later (and you know a break-up isn't officially over until all of the fighting happens), my dad got fired from his job, which resulted in us moving from a home we lived in for 13 years, so add that on top of our break-up. a month later, my dad had kicked my family out of our temporary home (my grandparents') and we had no place to live except stay in our car for a little while, so the one person i wanted to talk to and be with was him, but he told me to go screw myself because i deserved it, which i didn't, and i'm not just saying that because i i know i did nothing wrong. after that, i knew i had to get over him because i couldn't believe my best friend/boyfriend of 3 years would do that to me.

i got very depressed and at one point, i had to talk to a therapist because my SCHOOL (not my family) noticed there was something wrong. i realized he wasn't worth all of this and people have told me, "the best way to get over someone is to move onto someone else," and a year later, that's what i did. now, i've been with my boyfriend for a year and 8 months so far and he's made me the happiest. now, i can talk to my ex and see how his love life is horrible (he's told me) and smile about it, but at the same time feel badly about it because i wouldn't wish something on someone so horrible because i know what it's like.

to conclude, it takes time. the healing process never goes by quickly if you cared.

good luck and i hope everything turns out for the best.

off to work! i'll be back to read what was posted before me!

 
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Originally Posted by Jennifer i'm in a rush to go to work, so i didnt' read the posts above me, but i will once i have time!
i was with a guy for about 3 years and it was the hardest thing i ever had to do in my life. things weren't turning out so good because we were growing up, wanting different things. when we broke up, about 2 weeks later (and you know a break-up isn't officially over until all of the fighting happens), my dad got fired from his job, which resulted in us moving from a home we lived in for 13 years, so add that on top of our break-up. a month later, my dad had kicked my family out of our temporary home (my grandparents') and we had no place to live except stay in our car for a little while, so the one person i wanted to talk to and be with was him, but he told me to go screw myself because i deserved it, which i didn't, and i'm not just saying that because i i know i did nothing wrong. after that, i knew i had to get over him because i couldn't believe my best friend/boyfriend of 3 years would do that to me.

i got very depressed and at one point, i had to talk to a therapist because my SCHOOL (not my family) noticed there was something wrong. i realized he wasn't worth all of this and people have told me, "the best way to get over someone is to move onto someone else," and a year later, that's what i did. now, i've been with my boyfriend for a year and 8 months so far and he's made me the happiest. now, i can talk to my ex and see how his love life is horrible (he's told me) and smile about it, but at the same time feel badly about it because i wouldn't wish something on someone so horrible because i know what it's like.

to conclude, it takes time. the healing process never goes by quickly if you cared.

good luck and i hope everything turns out for the best.

off to work! i'll be back to read what was posted before me!

WOW,what a story! reading that I have to be glad that being heartbroken is the only problem I have right now.

Of course I know that one day the pain will go away, it always does, but I still know that I´ll always be wondering how it would have turned out if we weren´t living on different continents.(me here in Europe, him in the US) well, maybe it would have still NOT worked out. it just drives me crazy to know that I´ll probably never find out about this.

life is unfair!!

 
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As I like to say, "Life is a witch. And then you marry one."

Ladies, I am so sorry you had to through all of that. I am sure that most of us here can relate in some way to what you are going through.

Arielle, no matter who and how many times somebody tells you "I know what you are going through", the fact is, only YOU do, and only YOU can do something about it, but it will take time. If you feel like crying, then cry. I you feel like screaming, yelling, and at the same time closing yourself in your room, just do it! screw the world, and be depressed if you feel like it! Just like when loosing a loved one, you need "grieving" too. YOUR WAY. Nobody says that you have to move on right away, and "forcing" yourself to go out with next best guy is the worst thing you could do. It will only make you more miserable, and as you have already found out, wanting to back to the ex. Funny how when we are in a relationship with somebody, we tend to focus on the bad things about him/her, but when we brake up, we only remember the good things.
You will be able to start a new relationship when you are truly ready. Don't force it.

As for right now, I think, this is the best time for you to focus on YOURSELF, your goals, your career, your education! Go shopping, go out with friends, get a new haircut or color if you wish ( most women do something with their hair when they get out of a relationship! I am sure, everybody here can relate!!
) Do whatever makes you happy, and I am sure, pretty sure you will realize that you don't need him in your life! And this whole experience will only make you stronger.

Jenni girl... I am speechless. I am sure you don't need me to tell you how sorry I feel for what happened to you, but man, that it some heavy stuff for anybody, especially for young women in that age! I am glad you found somebody now, and are not totally disappointed in men!!

Hugz to you girlz!

 
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Arielle, I'm sorry you're going through this right now. The best thing you can do is take some time for yourself. Dating someone on the rebound is the WORST thing you can do b/c you're trying to convince yourself that you're ready emotionally & mentally to get over the other guy when you really aren't. When it's too late, you realize you're back in the arms of the one you originally left & were trying to get over.

Like destiny said, do something for yourself & allow your heart to heal. Find a new hobby, exercise, go shopping & to the movies by yourself--this is the best form of independence--or take a trip to a spa to help cleanse your soul.

I left a horrible boyfriend 4.5 years ago after 3.5 together. I grew up & he didn't, so our priorities were different. I cried for about 2 days, but realized that it was something I needed to do & that I was better off w/out him. It was only a week before Christmas, so I ended up working a lot, visiting friends & family, & trying to do as much as I could solo. Right after new year's I went to a restaurant by myself & it was the most empowering thing--I felt like I could do anything solo. I got a few looks, but I kept telling myself that all the women there were stuck w/men they didn't want to be with & wished they were in my seat. I'm sure that's not what they were thinking, but I got through it & had some very cute waiters flirting w/me.


All I can say is that you really need to take some time to yourself to heal & grow as a woman. By dating too quickly, your heart isn't into it while your head keeps telling yourself that you are. I wish you nothing but happiness & joy.

~HUGS~

 
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Destiny's right... you can use this time to get your life to where you want it to be, and eventually everything will fall into place... My problem is that I get too attached to people. When I'm in a realationship I'm usually always with them, then if we broke up or fought, it's like 'Ok... now what do I do with myself'?
I would always want to try and keep myself busy, go out with friend, etc... but it always seems that when I'm involved, my friends are single - and when I'm single... they have boyfriends.
After my last b/f & I broke up... I was out everynight... talking to every guy under the sun - (usually a BAD move, like Jess said) but it sometimes took my mind off it - until I was home alone again, and had nothing to do but think about HIM. I knew we wouldn't work - and honestly, I really didn't want it to work, because he was a total jerk who destroyed my financially (BIG time) and emotionally. But I was so used to being with him, that I didn't know how to be single anymore... eventually out of nowhere I met Leo, and after 4 years we're still happily together, and this time it seems that I don't have to 'work' at things to get to have a 'normal' relationship. Yeah, we fight about things, and there are things I'd like to change... but in a whole, the years just flew by .. and I finally don't find myself complaining about my relationship, or on the lookout for someone better. (Which I used to do, but then miss the other jerk if I actually left) So I know deep down that this is different than anything I've experienced before... This is so far my longest relationship - the others were long, but after 1 1/2 - 2 years I'd be looking to always be with my friends, and to move on - but never had the guts to. Now I look forward to spending time with him, but also enjoying time with friends. We have a very easy going relationship - neither of us is the controlling type, so if I want to go out... its fine - he'll be home, and I'll come home when I'm done. (That's not often ... but it's nice to know I can if I want to) It's nice to have a relationship where we are very close, but yet can still not lose our own identities. I'm sure you'll find someone soon that makes you feel the same way this guy does... but that you'll be able to see more often. If you are in a long distance relationship, you tend to find everything 'perfect' about the person... because you're not around them often enough to learn their faults. I'm sure he's a great guy in his own way... but maybe just not great for YOU. I'm sure if you're meant to be... you will be - but in the meantime, just have fun, enjoy yourself... and who knows, maybe someone you haven't noticed before will just pop into your life...
 
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thanks to all of you *hugs*.It helps a lot to know that some of you have been through the same thing. I guess it happens to all of us sooner or later.

NYAngel: I hate to admit it, but what you said about long-distance relationships is so true. I usually tend to think that the guy that I´m in love with is PERFECT, but this time it´s even worse, b/c as you said I didn´t see him very often. but I´m still thinking, he´s so hot and smart and funny and great in bed and whatnot and I can´t believe there is ever gonna be somebody else that I´m gonna love that much.

what you said really made me think. maybe he´s really not perfect for me. we´re actually very different personalitywise, but that´s what kept it interesting for both of us I guess. and the big physical attraction was a big part of our "relationship" too (I know you can´t call it a relationship, but I can´t think of another word for it)

and hey, I looked at your notepad. your boyfriends is a hottie!!! you are so lucky,girl


 
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Originally Posted by Arielle thanks to all of you *hugs*.It helps a lot to know that some of you have been through the same thing. I guess it happens to all of us sooner or later.
NYAngel: I hate to admit it, but what you said about long-distance relationships is so true. I usually tend to think that the guy that I´m in love with is PERFECT, but this time it´s even worse, b/c as you said I didn´t see him very often. but I´m still thinking, he´s so hot and smart and funny and great in bed and whatnot and I can´t believe there is ever gonna be somebody else that I´m gonna love that much.

what you said really made me think. maybe he´s really not perfect for me. we´re actually very different personalitywise, but that´s what kept it interesting for both of us I guess. and the big physical attraction was a big part of our "relationship" too (I know you can´t call it a relationship, but I can´t think of another word for it)

and hey, I looked at your notepad. your boyfriends is a hottie!!! you are so lucky,girl


Thanks... I'm a sucker for the dimples... LOL It keeps me from being mad at him for too long - except he knows this and uses them against me! LOL
But ya know... at first you and this guy having different personalities might seem great at first - but eventually sometimes that will clash, especially if you are together a lot... and that what made you seem so 'interesting' together, will be what makes you fight. I think long distance relationships are so hard to judge... because things change over time... and unless you like the changes - you'll never really know until its too late, and you've invested time & emotion into something that is just an illusion... ya know? It's hard, but if you honestly can't say that you've seen any faults, it's not really HIM you're seeing yet, b/c nobody is perfect.

 
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Originally Posted by NYAngel98 Thanks... I'm a sucker for the dimples... LOL It keeps me from being mad at him for too long - except he knows this and uses them against me! LOL
But ya know... at first you and this guy having different personalities might seem great at first - but eventually sometimes that will clash, especially if you are together a lot... and that what made you seem so 'interesting' together, will be what makes you fight. I think long distance relationships are so hard to judge... because things change over time... and unless you like the changes - you'll never really know until its too late, and you've invested time & emotion into something that is just an illusion... ya know? It's hard, but if you honestly can't say that you've seen any faults, it's not really HIM you're seeing yet, b/c nobody is perfect.
I love dimples too *g*..he´s too cute!!
ok, you got me thinking even more this time. I really DID see some parts I didn´t like about him. he´s unable to talk about serious topics (like relationships) and his feelings, but I´m just so in love with him that it didn´t matter that much to me. besides, he had no problems expressing his feelings in his e-mails, but he just couldn´t seem to tell me in person.

but I still believe that different personalities can work. of course it might cause some fights, but it can be more passionate too. I usually get tired of guys really soon if we have too much in common and our personalities match too much.

 
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Originally Posted by Arielle I love dimples too *g*..he´s too cute!!
ok, you got me thinking even more this time. I really DID see some parts I didn´t like about him. he´s unable to talk about serious topics (like relationships) and his feelings, but I´m just so in love with him that it didn´t matter that much to me. besides, he had no problems expressing his feelings in his e-mails, but he just couldn´t seem to tell me in person.

but I still believe that different personalities can work. of course it might cause some fights, but it can be more passionate too. I usually get tired of guys really soon if we have too much in common and our personalities match too much.

Well, no... you don't want a clone... lol Or else you'd just date yourself! LOL
But you want some similar characteristics so that you feel you are both on the same level. Like if this guy won't talk in person about serious topics and about relationships and whatnot... what happens if you were to live together? Would he run in the other room and email it to you rather than just sit down and talk? LOL Being he is at least of military age - he is old enough for you to see some things about his personality that he most likely will not change in 10, 20, 50, 70 years from now. If he doesn't talk now... he won't talk later. That is one thing I've learned from past experiences.... people who don't open up - usually (not always ... but usually) will Never be the "ok lets talk about this" guy that you are looking for. A lot has to do with thier childhood, how they were raised, his family life... etc. Seems your guy wasn't a talker growing up - his family probably didn't sit down and discuss things... which is why he probably feels its easier to email it to you. It's hard sometimes, but you have to learn how to read people. If you really want to try and figure out THE perfect guy for you... think about the past few guys you've been with ... and even after you broke up, what were the best things about that person, physical & personality wise... and also things they did... like "oh I like how so & so knew what I was thinking before I said anything".. or how "he knew I loved when he wore a certain cologne and would always wear it around me"... stuff like that - and when you look at all those things, you can generally get an idea of what you're looking for in a guy... and when you find the guy that has most of those, you'll REALLY be happy! LOL

 
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what happens if you were to live together? Would he run in the other room and email it to you rather than just sit down and talk?

haha..you´re too funny. but I guess you´re right. and you´re right about the family part too. I know he had or still has big (!)problems with his family, and he doesn´t like talking about this either.

I think he has a hard time trusting people and opening up to them. I know this because a good friend of mine has been friends with him for a couple of years, so she knows him well and she agreed on that. this is why I kinda understand he doesn´t just share his feelings with everybody (like I do here *g*, and I don´t have a problem with that)

but anyway, we´ll see how it turns out. he´s supposed to e-mail me in the next days.

how old are you by the way...you seem to know quite a lot about relationships. at least, more than me


 
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Originally Posted by Arielle what happens if you were to live together? Would he run in the other room and email it to you rather than just sit down and talk?
haha..you´re too funny. but I guess you´re right. and you´re right about the family part too. I know he had or still has big (!)problems with his family, and he doesn´t like talking about this either.

I think he has a hard time trusting people and opening up to them. I know this because a good friend of mine has been friends with him for a couple of years, so she knows him well and she agreed on that. this is why I kinda understand he doesn´t just share his feelings with everybody (like I do here *g*, and I don´t have a problem with that)

but anyway, we´ll see how it turns out. he´s supposed to e-mail me in the next days.

how old are you by the way...you seem to know quite a lot about relationships. at least, more than me


I'm 24 (25 in May) but I've had my share of boyfriends.. mostly Long term - so I've learned from my mistakes... try not repeating them! LOL I have also had some A**holes, so I know what to look out for a little better now than I did then

 
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Originally Posted by destiny Jenni girl... I am speechless. I am sure you don't need me to tell you how sorry I feel for what happened to you, but man, that it some heavy stuff for anybody, especially for young women in that age! I am glad you found somebody now, and are not totally disappointed in men!! thank you! it takes a lot to bring me down now

i agree with everything everyone's said. not only are we good at beauty topics, but we can have our own oprah show


arielle, i wish you the best of luck with everything. if you need me to kick his butt, i live in the US. YOU JUST GIVE ME HIS ADDRESS BABY AND I'LL BE THERE IN A SECOND!



 
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Sorry you're going through this! I've only been in one serious relationship that did not last, so this is just my experience, I know that everyone is different...

When my ex broke up with me after a year of dating, we never fought or anything, it was a friendly breakup -- though that actually made it harder for me, because it was totally unexpected and I thought everything was great with our relationship. We said we would try to remain friends after the breakup, but that turned out to be a huge problem! I was never able to get over the breakup when we continued to spend time together, even though we were usually with groups and not alone. Plus I would even get jealous when he spent time with other girls, even though we were no longer dating. Basically there were just way too many emotions there. This went on for about a year! I think another factor was that we were fairly young -- college sophomores (about 20 years old) at the time of the breakup and it was my first relationship, and I just wasn't very mature at that stage of my life.

Finally I decided the only way to get over him was to pull away from him. I still didn't feel ready to date again, but I thought it was important to just heal myself without diving into another relationship -- looking back I know that if another guy had asked me out while I was still in that healing process, I would have dated him just because I missed having a boyfriend, not necessarily because I liked him. But fortunately no one asked me out and I've never been one to take the initiative


So I started spending more time with girlfriends and less time with the ex. I slowly started to get over him, but what made me get over him completely was going away on a summer internship after my junior year of college. Of course that internship benefited me in several ways and allowed me to mature so much! I had gone to an undergrad college 30 miles from home, and had always gone home on the weekends, and always just hung out with my roommates while I was at college (I was always pretty shy and never had many friends). But on my internship I was all alone, surrounded by lots of other interns who were also alone, and it forced me to quickly open up and make new friends. Within just a week or two, I going out a couple of times a week with new friends (and not always the same group of people, either). It really helped me overcome my shyness, gain confidence in myself knowing that I could still make friends and people did like me for who I am, and of course all the fun I was having made me forget about my ex -- or more accurately, made me put things in perspective and helped me to get over the relationship. (My ex really is a nice guy, but we just weren't compatible and it's obvious now we weren't meant for each other.) When I came back to college at the end of the summer, my roommate instantly noticed a change in my attitude and maturity!

So from my personal experience, I know that dating around would not have helped me get over the relationship -- spending more time in platonic, frienship relationships (and making new friends!) helped me the most!

And incidently, after that summer, I spent the following year of school (my senior year) single and actually enjoying it for the first time in a long time, instead of just longing for a new boyfriend like I used to. My roommate at the time was also single, so we could easily relate in that area and spent a lot of time together. So when I met the man that is now my husband right after graduation and we started dating, I knew that I was dating him because I liked him and not because I just wanted to be in a relationship! We met at the perfect time in my life, when I was actually ready for a serious relationship and confident enough to make decisions regarding our relationship on a much more logical level, rather than just "Oh I can't believe I have a boyfriend! Maybe if I just cling to him he'll never leave me, because no other guy would ever like me!" which is about how I thought when I was dating my ex


Anyways, like I said that is just my experience and it was also very specific to where I was in my life at that time. Everyone's different, and don't worry if it takes time to get over a relationship -- I know it's hard, but if it's not meant to be you will eventually get over it! I would just recommend focusing on other areas of your life that you enjoy, such as friends, family, or work, and if you feel you're ready to date again then you can always keep an eye open for the next guy.
But I don't think that dating just to forget about your ex is best idea -- if nothing else, it's not very fair to the new guy you're dating!

 
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what an @ss.

Originally Posted by Jennifer i'm in a rush to go to work, so i didnt' read the posts above me, but i will once i have time!
i was with a guy for about 3 years and it was the hardest thing i ever had to do in my life. things weren't turning out so good because we were growing up, wanting different things. when we broke up, about 2 weeks later (and you know a break-up isn't officially over until all of the fighting happens), my dad got fired from his job, which resulted in us moving from a home we lived in for 13 years, so add that on top of our break-up. a month later, my dad had kicked my family out of our temporary home (my grandparents') and we had no place to live except stay in our car for a little while, so the one person i wanted to talk to and be with was him, but he told me to go screw myself because i deserved it, which i didn't, and i'm not just saying that because i i know i did nothing wrong. after that, i knew i had to get over him because i couldn't believe my best friend/boyfriend of 3 years would do that to me.

i got very depressed and at one point, i had to talk to a therapist because my SCHOOL (not my family) noticed there was something wrong. i realized he wasn't worth all of this and people have told me, "the best way to get over someone is to move onto someone else," and a year later, that's what i did. now, i've been with my boyfriend for a year and 8 months so far and he's made me the happiest. now, i can talk to my ex and see how his love life is horrible (he's told me) and smile about it, but at the same time feel badly about it because i wouldn't wish something on someone so horrible because i know what it's like.

to conclude, it takes time. the healing process never goes by quickly if you cared.

good luck and i hope everything turns out for the best.

off to work! i'll be back to read what was posted before me!

 
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arielle, i wish you the best of luck with everything. if you need me to kick his butt, i live in the US. YOU JUST GIVE ME HIS ADDRESS BABY AND I'LL BE THERE IN A SECOND!



...*rofl*...I might get back to you on that whenever it doesn´t turn out good. everybody else than me is convinced he is a jerk anyway, so I guess it´s just a matter of time till I feel the same.

and thanks sooooooo much to everybody. it´s amazing I got so much support and advice from people I don´t even know and who don´t know me. but maybe that´s why you guys can be a little more objective about the whole topic. so thanks to everbody that posted on this topic, I really appreciate it!!!

 
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Originally Posted by Arielle and thanks sooooooo much to everybody. it´s amazing I got so much support and advice from people I don´t even know and who don´t know me. but maybe that´s why you guys can be a little more objective about the whole topic. so thanks to everbody that posted on this topic, I really appreciate it!!! you're welcome! we all hope everything works out for the best
GOOD LUCK!
 

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