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Thought this might be a good idea. We can all post jokes we've heard here & then if anyone is ever feeling down or need to giggle, they can read all the jokes & that might put a smile back on their face!

Post away people!

 
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A Phone Call From Daddy

((((RING))))

**Pick Up**

"Hello?"

"Hi, honey, this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy said, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

[brief Pause]

"Uh, OK, then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"OK, Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it, Daddy."

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all."

"O my God! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

[Long Pause]

[Longer Pause]

Then Daddy said, "Swimming pool? Wait a minute ... Is this 486-5731?"

 
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WARNING: its kinda dirty!

(say the last sentence out loud but make sure nobody is around!)

A little girl came running into the house bawling her eyes out and cradling

her hand: "Mummy, quick! Get me a glass of cider!" she wailed.

"Why do you want a glass of cider?" asked her mum.

"I cut my hand on a thorn, and I want the pain to go away!"

Confused, but weary of the child's whining, the mother obliged and poured her

a glass of cider. The little girl immediately dunked her hand in it.

"Ouch! It still hurts! This cider doesn't work!" she whined.

"What are you talking about?" asked her increasingly perplexed parent,

"_Whatever made you think that cider would ease your pain?"

"Well, I overheard my big sister say that whenever she gets a prick in

her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider"

 

Jen

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John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me

life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He

went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of

the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to

spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that

is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street

corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other

night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know,

he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and

the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

 
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Best Little Convent in Texas :

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

10 MILES

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and he drives on

without second thought. Soon he sees another sign, which says:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

5 MILES

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real.... Then

he drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On

the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign

next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun

in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son? '" He

answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in

possibly doing business."

Very well, my son. Please follow me.

The man is led through many winding passages and is soon quite

disoriented.

The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on

this door." He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the

cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."

He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nuns cup.

He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it

shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back

in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE.

YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED

BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.

SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

 
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Now I lay me Down to sleep I pray the Lord My shape to keep.



Please no wrinkles Please no bags And please lift my butt Before it sags.





Please no age spots Please no gray And as for my belly, http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_2_126.gif Please take it away. http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/23/23_1_29.gif



Please keep me healthy http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/7/7_5_120.gif Please keep me young, http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/5/5_1_123v.gif





And thank you Dear Lord http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/4/4_4_111.gif





For all that you've done. http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/11/11_1_121.gif







Five tips for a woman.... http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_4_123.gif

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job. http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/3/3_13_2.gif

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh. http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_11_6.gif



3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you. http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_8_206.gif



4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you. http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_15_4.gif



5. It is important that these four men don't know each other. http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/23/23_7_1.gif





Foot Note:



One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:

"If we don'tget some supportsoon, people will think we're nuts."

 
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Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner ... who lives

with a female roommate Maria...

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how

pretty Anthony's roommate was...

She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and

this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she

started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate

than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must

be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your

mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl.

You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her, just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Momma,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the sugar bowl from my house, I'm

not saying that you 'did not' take it. But the fact remains that it has

been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Anthony

Several days later, Anthony received a response e-mail from his Momma

which read:

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that

you 'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was

sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Love, Momma.

Lesson: Never lie to your momma!

 
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So an blonde, a redhead and a brunette are driving to Vegas for a weekend of fun. Halfway there, the car breaks down in the middle of the desert. The three get out and decide to all go together to the nearest town, about 10 miles back. The redhead grabs the bottled water and says, "So we don't get dehydrated on the long walk." The brunette grabs the sandwhiches they packed and says, "So we have some fuel to keep us going." The blonde takes a minute, then wrenches the car door off it's hinges and starts to walk. The redhead and the brunette stare at her so she turns around and says, "So we can roll down the window if we get hot!"



 
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15 Things to do at Wal-Mart while your spouse/partner is taking their sweet time:

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3 Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4 Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and see what happens.

5 Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6 Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7 Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8 When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9 Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.

10 While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti- depressants are.

11 Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12 In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13 Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14 When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

( And; last, but not least!)

15 Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and, then, yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

 
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Dear Dog...

<O
></O
>

I am soooosorry about you being sent to the dog pound for the broken lamp which you did not break; the fish you did not spill; and the carpet that you did not wet; or the wall that you did not dirty with red paint... <O
></O
>

But things here at the house really are calmer now, and just to show you that there are no hard feelings between us, I am sending you a picture, so you will always remember me.<O
></O
>



Best regards,<O


The Cat

 
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First Aid, Texas style

A woman sitting at a restaurant in McKinney, Texas suddenly began to

cough while eating a giant country-fried steak.

After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress,

and two cowboys at the next table turned to look at her.

"Kin ya swaller?" asked one of the cowboys. The woman signalled 'No',

desperately shaking her head.

"Kin ya breathe?" asked the other. The woman, beginning to turn a bit

blue, shook her head 'No.'

With that, the first cowboy walked over to her,! lifted up the back of

her skirt, yanked down her panties, and slowly ran his tongue up and

down the woman's butt crack. This shocked the woman into such a violent

spasm

that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breath again.

The

cowboy slowly walked back over to his table and proudly took another

drink of his Lone Star beer.

His partner said in admiration, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind

Lick Maneuver, but I ain't never seen nobody do it

 
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AHHHH, TO BE SIX AGAIN!

<?/bigger><?/color><?/fontfamily><?fontfamily><?param Arial><?color><?param 0000,0000,0000><?bigger>A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday. I'd like to be six again, she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her<?/bigger><?/color><?/fontfamily><?fontfamily><?param Arial><?color><?param 0000,0000,0000><?bigger> a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed, exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you dumb ass!"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong!

 
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A poem for girls...

I shave my legs,

I sit down to pee.

And I can justify any shopping spree.

Don't go to a barber, but a beauty salon.

I can get a massage without a hard-on.

I can balance the checkbook,

I can pump my own gas.

Can talk to my friends, about the size of my ass.

My beauty's a masterpiece, and yes, it takes long.

At least I can admit, to others when I'm wrong.

I don't drive in circles, at any cost.

And I don't have a problem, admitting I'm lost.

I never forget,an important date.

You just gotta deal with it, I'm usually late.

I don't watch movies, with lots of gore.

Don't need instant replay, to remember the score.

I won't lose my hair, I don't get jock itch.

And just cause I'm assertive, Don't call me a witch.

Don't say to your friends, Oh yeah, I can get her.

In your dreams, my dear, I can do better!

Flowers are okay,

But jewelry's best.

Look at me you idiot...

Not at my chest????

I don't have a problem,

With Expressing my feelings.

I know when you're lying,

You look at the ceiling.

DON'T call me a GIRL ,

a BABE or a CHICK .

I am a WOMAN.

Get it?, you PRICK!?!


 
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GRANDMA KNOWS BEST

A young Italian girl was going on a date. Her nonna ( Grandmother ) said: "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try and kiss you, you are going to like that but don't let him do that.

He is going to try and feel your breast, you are going to like that,but don't let him do that. But most important, he is going to try and get on top of you to have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."

With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date. The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted: "Nonna, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family!"

Nonna fainted !!

 
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Why Parents Go Gray ..

The boss of a big company who needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers, dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper, "Hello."

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked,

"Is your mommy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message,

the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss

asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered

answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a

helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is

that noise?"

"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just

landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the

boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:

"ME"


 
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7 reasons not to mess with children.

A little girl: was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher: said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl: stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher: reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl: said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher: asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl: replied, "Then you ask him".



A Kindergarten teacher: was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl: replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher: paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl: replied, "They will in a minute."



A Sunday school teacher: was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy: (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."



One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of Grandma's hairs are white?"

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead. "



A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted,

"Cause your feet ain't empty."



The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

 
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Oppps..Wrong Number.....lol
Hilarious!!!

Originally Posted by Laura A Phone Call From Daddy
((((RING))))

**Pick Up**

"Hello?"

"Hi, honey, this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy said, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

[brief Pause]

"Uh, OK, then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"OK, Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it, Daddy."

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all."

"O my God! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

[Long Pause]

[Longer Pause]

Then Daddy said, "Swimming pool? Wait a minute ... Is this 486-5731?"

 

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