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I don't want to ask my friends this, because their responses will all be subjective, so I thought I would post here and see what you gals think:

I have been friends with a gal for many years. At one point, we were even roommates. And we were very very close, for a long time, almost like sisters.

Anyway, over the past year or so, I was beginning to feel taken for granted and was getting tired of always feeling as if I had to walk on eggshells to keep from pissing her off. I am not always the easiest person to be around, either, but people who knew us both were starting to say that the way she treated me was emotionally abusive. Maybe it was, but I allowed it. I take FULL responsibility for that.

Anyway, about two months ago, she was ill. We were walking into Walmart because I had decided to surprise her with a foot spa, since she had cast rather envious eyes upon the one I had bought myself a month or two before. She mentioned that "Oh, I forgot to go pick up my prescriptions". I said, "Well, let's go do that, then" No big deal, or so I thought. She insisted that it was too late, so I started googling to see if the pharmacy was actually open (love smartphones for those sorta answers!) She walked up to me and said, "What are you looking up?" I was honest and said, "The pharmacy hours--if we CAN get your stuff, we should!" She then snapped at me, "I TOLD you they're closed!" (As it turns out, they weren't) I then said, "Well, I was just trying to be a good friend, since you said you weren't sure" She then gave me the LOOK FROM HELL, and stormed off. And by stormed off, I mean that when I went down the aisle she was on, she literally turned the opposite direction. Okay....so I finished purchasing the foot spa for her (which I hadn't told her I was doing), and came out to the car because she had left the building at that point.

I get in the car, and asked her what was wrong and why she had reacted as she had. Her answer was that I had insulted her by saying that I was trying to be a good friend. I didn't understand HOW (frankly, still don't), so I asked her how my making a statement about my motivations was insulting to her and also apologized for having offended her, since that was clearly not my intention. She continued yelling for about ten or fifteen minutes about how I had insulted her and how " never said you weren't a good friend!", and when I figured she was through, I said, "Ok, my turn. First of all, I am sorry that I offended you, but I was talking about my motivation for what I was doing, and I don't see how that has anything at all to do with you." At this point, she cut me off, screaming again about how it had everything to do with her.

 

And that was when I lost it.

 

I very quietly said, "You know what. I've had it. When we get back to your house, I'll get my stuff, and I'll bounce. You don't need to worry about me being an issue in your life anymore." And she then JERKED the car around, because she had been driving pretty dadgum fast at this point, to pull into a parking lot and continue yelling at me about how she hadn't said she didn't want me in her life, etc. EVERYTHING was personal, to her. Any time I tried to voice my opinion, she would start yelling again about how it was all about her. Finally, when she was spent, we went back to her house, and I left. I woke with severe neck pains and a migraine that lasted three days. I went to my chiropractor, who told me I had a mild case of whiplash....okay, then.

 

About a week later, she apparently texted me (although I never received a message from her, she told multiple people that she had). Another week goes by, and she posts to Facebook about "Well, I extended an olive branch to someone whose friendship I thought was forever, but at this point, I'm thinking 'f*** them and f*** the friendship." Several of our mutual friends backed her on that, not knowing that she was referring to me, and several told her that she should probably try to get to the bottom of the situation before making any rash choices. When the second group outnumbered the first group, she deleted the post. Admittedly, I did something passive-aggressive when I saw this. I posted to my own FB wall that "There are three sides to every story. Yours, mine, and the medical records." She still (to my knowledge) isn't aware of the whiplash.

 

This happened about a week an a half prior to Thanksgiving. I texted her once to see if she wanted to go to Plato's Closet and she said she had to be somewhere. I texted back to say that the invitation was open for another time and left it at that. I have not, in the intervening months, talked smack about her at all, although she has apparently felt the need to do so about me. VERY few people know what went down, because I don't feel the need to make our friends choose sides. Anyway, today, I texted her to invite her to a drag show tomorrow night. She has not responded, and because I'm feeling rather like this needs to be settled one way or another (closure feels good, as does getting stuff straightened out--I'm actually ambivalent about which outcome at this point, although I do want it resolved one way or the other), I texted her roommate to say that I was considering coming by to extend the invitation IN PERSON (the roommate was there the night it happened, and feels like I am in the right, although I have tried very hard to leave HER out of this). The roommate's response was this, "IDK. If this helps, she mentioned that you texted her. I asked if she replied (obviously not). And then she said she didn't because it was "too random" because you never text to say how are you. And I said that maybe that's your way of doing it and she just said no. She doesn't like that you "act like nothing has happened.""

 

So, should I just defriend her on Facebook, delete her phone number, and be done with her completely, or should I take my chances by going over in person to try to sort things out? If I do go over there, chances are that she will be snippy, which will give me closure in one sense, at least, because then I will know that there IS no resolution. It's the "hanging" that's killin' me. I'm completely at a loss. Any thoughts, guys? What would y'all do?

 

 

 

 

 

 
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Sounds like she has some emotional problems. Personally I would be done with her completely. Just keep in mind that emotionally unstable people will talk smack about others and make the other person look like the guilty party. You shouldn't have to put her above yourself to appease her, anyone who makes you walk on eggshells and where you have to be careful how you words things is NOT a friend.

 
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Question: What is the optimal outcome *for you*?

a) You've provided a couple of examples of you playing the PA game. ( You don't need to worry about me being an issue in your life anymore and There are three sides to every story. Yours, mine, and the medical records) I'd suggest you refrain from doing anymore of that in the future. It is not going to help in the long run and really, it's just immature. You are above that.

B) Stop texting. That is cold and distant. I don't care if you don't like talking on the phone. This isn't about what you do or don't like right now, it's about fixing a long invested friendship and that means also stepping outside of your comfort zone. Call her up, say something like "I've been thinking about what's been going on between us and I'd really like to discuss it, in person. Are you free for lunch sometime?" And invite her someplace where you guys can talk. Maybe a cafe someplace, maybe offer to make her lunch. Just make sure that environment is quiet so you can hear each other.

c) Before meeting, write down your grievances, provide as much detail on each of them, include dates if you can. This way you are talking to specific examples that can help her remember the situation.  

d) Refrain from attacking (You always do this!) and keep it on yourself (I feel like X when this happens). 

e) Also decide if you want to talk to each pain point as you bring them or would you rather state them all up front and then discuss? "Friend, I have some things I'd like to speak to and if we could, I'd like you to listen to all of them before we talk about them" or Friend, I have some things I'd like to speak to and if we could, I'd like to talk to each of them so we can resolve them one at a time"

f) An hour is not going to be long enough to fix this. Plan on several lunches/dinners/get together or set aside an entire afternoon. Ask your friend to do the same. Nothing kills a desire to fix a relationship faster than feeling like you have to make a decision RIGHT NOW.

g) Try to stay as calm. This is a difficult time and it will be rough but yelling and screaming are not going to help an already emotionally charged situation. 

h) If your friend can't or won't listen to you, keeps interrupting you, yells at you then you have your answer. She is not emotionally mature enough to speak to you civilly and rationally. Again, don't lose your temper and don't lower yourself. Simply state that you cherished your time together but it seems now that a wall has come up between the two of you or something to that effect. Tell her you tried to fix it and failed. The ball is now in her court and leave.

Communication is going to be a major factor here. No surprises, gimmicks or passive aggressiveness is going to get the optional results. Plain, simple talking will decide it one way or the other.

Best of luck and I am sorry you are having to deal with this.

 
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To me, she sounds like she's not happy unless she's creating drama.

Rather than trying to work things out with her, ask yourself why you really want her in your life.

What does she ad to your life? How do you benefit from being around her? etc.

If the answers are more negative than positive, then you have decisions to make.

If this were my situation, I would walk away and not look back.

 
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Have you ever heard the expression, "Relationships are here for a reason, a season or a lifetime"?  It has been in my experience that this statement is truly accurate.  People come in and out of your life and their presence serves a purpose for either a specific reason and therefore the relationship is generally short lived or there purpose in your life takes time to unfold and they are in your life for a longer period of time "a season" or in those lucky few cases their purpose in our life is never ending and they are in your life for a lifetime.  I find that in 99% of the lifetime cases they are people related to you or are your spouse.  Most of the other people who come in and out of your life are there for a season, which in some cases may be a long time but not necessarily a lifetime.

The flip side of this is true as well.  You will find that your purpose in others lives is either for a reason, a season or a lifetime.  It feels to me that the period of time that you two were very close and had a relationship similar to sisters was "the season" of your relationship.  Maybe that season has come to an end.  It doesn't mean that it's a bad thing, the two of you may no longer serve a purpose in each others lives and are now ready to move on to the next chapter. I think deep down in your heart you already know that this is over and it's time to move on.  You have a need to have the words said out loud and I can appreciate that but in order for your scenario of closure to work, she has to be willing to participate and I get the sense that she is not.  And she most definitely will not follow the script you have in mind.  I say, let it go and move on.  Your closure is in knowing that this friendships season has come to an end and you have new friendships to forge and things to learn.  Wish her well and let her go.

 
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I agree with everyone.  Take time and think about what you need.

@Jean, I love that... "Relationships are here for a reason, a season or a lifetime"

 
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I really like this quote/saying too.  My hubby and I moved around a lot in the earlier part of our relationship which meant constantly making new friends and losing friends as well.  This helped me to let go and not feel like I had to work myself silly trying to maintain a daily relationship with people that I once lived close to and at the same time maintain the same type of relationships with new friends.  I could let go and realize that our reason or season had come to an end and moving on became easier.  Now with Facebook and all that I've been able to reconnect with old friends but I don't feel like we have to be the best of friends again.  We can exist as acquaintences with a beautiful history.
 

Originally Posted by DreamWarrior /img/forum/go_quote.gif

I agree with everyone.  Take time and think about what you need.

@Jean, I love that... "Relationships are here for a reason, a season or a lifetime"

 
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Pancua, I actually saved your response to a Word document, because in most situations, that is some DAMN good advice about how to approach things. I've tried the "This is how I feel" but she always turns it into it somehow being an attack on her. And, yeah, I know I made a couple of PA moves--I'm not proud of them, but you're very right that that is not who I am nor wanna be.

Those of you asking why it even matters to me? I guess it's because we HAVE got such a long history, and I hate the idea of losing a friend with whom I have shared so many good times. But in reading the responses from y'all--and THANK YOU for the objectivity--the decision that I have come to is this: I'm not going to contact her again. Period. I'm going to give her a month, and if she contacts me, then I will be open to trying to repair things (You know, that old "set someone free" jazz). If she doesn't--well, three months is long enough, and I'll just accept that I am not a part of her life and will sever all other connections to her. It's very true that I can't expect her to "follow a script in my mind", even though (unfortunately) because of it all, I've dwelled upon the worst POSSIBLE script. I never expected an apology from her--which is why I have been willing to just "act as if nothing is wrong", because she has clearly stated that she thinks that I'm in the wrong for the whole thing. I'm willing to take responsibility for my PART in it, because I'm not always right....I just refuse to always be wrong with her.

A friend last night was talking to me about this situation and said something that really made it easy to face this thread with an open mind. "It's ok if you're hurting; a break up is a break up. And that's what this is. Just don't let how bad it all hurts now poison the good memories, even if you two never make another one."

 
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Quote: Originally Posted by calexxia /img/forum/go_quote.gif

Pancua, I actually saved your response to a Word document, because in most situations, that is some DAMN good advice about how to approach things. I've tried the "This is how I feel" but she always turns it into it somehow being an attack on her. And, yeah, I know I made a couple of PA moves--I'm not proud of them, but you're very right that that is not who I am nor wanna be.

Those of you asking why it even matters to me? I guess it's because we HAVE got such a long history, and I hate the idea of losing a friend with whom I have shared so many good times. But in reading the responses from y'all--and THANK YOU for the objectivity--the decision that I have come to is this: I'm not going to contact her again. Period. I'm going to give her a month, and if she contacts me, then I will be open to trying to repair things (You know, that old "set someone free" jazz). If she doesn't--well, three months is long enough, and I'll just accept that I am not a part of her life and will sever all other connections to her. It's very true that I can't expect her to "follow a script in my mind", even though (unfortunately) because of it all, I've dwelled upon the worst POSSIBLE script. I never expected an apology from her--which is why I have been willing to just "act as if nothing is wrong", because she has clearly stated that she thinks that I'm in the wrong for the whole thing. I'm willing to take responsibility for my PART in it, because I'm not always right....I just refuse to always be wrong with her.

A friend last night was talking to me about this situation and said something that really made it easy to face this thread with an open mind. "It's ok if you're hurting; a break up is a break up. And that's what this is. Just don't let how bad it all hurts now poison the good memories, even if you two never make another one."

I was in this exact situation just a couple months ago and went through this exact list. In the end, the friendship (though it was not as long as yours, just 4 years) could not be saved and yes, it hurt but all things happen for a reason.

Hang in there chica and my email box is always open if you want to talk. :) /emoticons/smile@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20" />  

 
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I think people tend to think that we need to be friends with people forever. I don't believe that. Your friend flipping out and not letting you talk? Yah, that says it all doesn't it? She doesn't care what you think, its her way or that's it. Is going over there really going to make a difference? Not if she can't speak like a rational adult. In the end its up to you but really unless she changes then nothing you do will make a difference.

 
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Originally Posted by Hezzie /img/forum/go_quote.gif

I think people tend to think that we need to be friends with people forever. I don't believe that. Your friend flipping out and not letting you talk? Yah, that says it all doesn't it? She doesn't care what you think, its her way or that's it. Is going over there really going to make a difference? Not if she can't speak like a rational adult. In the end its up to you but really unless she changes then nothing you do will make a difference.
Yeah, pretty much the only difference this time has been that I DIDN'T roll over and play dead and tried to actually voice an opinion. Like I said, even though I'm 90% sure I won't hear from her, in my OWN heart, I'll feel better about waiting out the month like I promised.

 
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Well, I accidentally posted that to Facebook......oh boy. Wish I could find a way to delete that from Facebook, because I was trying to keep things mellow.

 
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I can delete comments from my wall.  Are you not able to?  What did you post?  All of your comments here?

 

Originally Posted by calexxia /img/forum/go_quote.gif

Well, I accidentally posted that to Facebook......oh boy. Wish I could find a way to delete that from Facebook, because I was trying to keep things mellow.

 
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Just the last one posted. I couldn't delete it, but I set it to show for "only me" and I also defriended her. Which, of course, opened up a whole other ball of wax. 

 
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I'd move on from it. If you constantly have to watch what you say around her and she doesn't even let you voice your opinion, then it's not worth it. It's hard to not be able to talk things through, but sometimes you just have to move on without getting/giving an explanation.

 

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