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Warning: Do not read this if you are sensitive to bad jokes and to inappropriate posts. Do not send me a letter saying that I am going to burn in hell. I insist on going to heaven despite my sense of humor. Thanks. Love, Cali -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- A pompous minister was seated next to a TEXAN on a flight to Dallas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The TEXAN asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips." The TEXAN looked at the minister, then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I didn't know we had a choice."
 
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Originally Posted by Californian Warning: Do not read this if you are sensitive to bad jokes and to inappropriate posts. Do not send me a letter saying that I am going to burn in hell. I insist on going to heaven despite my sense of humor. Thanks.Love, Cali

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A pompous minister was seated next to

a TEXAN on a flight to Dallas. After the

plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The TEXAN asked for a whiskey and

soda, which was brought and placed

before him.

The flight attendant then asked the

minister if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be

savagely raped by brazen whores

than let liquor touch my lips."

The TEXAN looked at the minister, then

handed his drink back to the attendant

and said, "I didn't know we had a choice."

LMAO!! I luv you Ry
 
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Originally Posted by allisong LMAO!! I luv you Ry
Thanks, this smile is for YOU!

 
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Here's a cowboy joke fur ya...


A cowboy was herding his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

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ffice
ffice" /><o
></o
>

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."

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></o
>

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a consultant." says the cowboy. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

<o
></o
>

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you don't know anything about my business. Now give me back my dog."

 
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Originally Posted by KittySkyfish Here's a cowboy joke fur ya...

A cowboy was herding his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com
ffice
ffice" /><o
></o
>

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."

<o
></o
>

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a consultant." says the cowboy. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

<o
></o
>

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you don't know anything about my business. Now give me back my dog."

Hahah. I'm forwarding this to hubs.


 
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Originally Posted by Irishgirl That was a good one Kitty! LOL! I am gonna print this bad boy off! hee hee! Another Bad JOKE... This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner. I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup. As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much that I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call. Damn women!<!-- END TOC -->
 
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Originally Posted by Californian Warning: Do not read this if you are sensitive to bad jokes and to inappropriate posts. Do not send me a letter saying that I am going to burn in hell. I insist on going to heaven despite my sense of humor. Thanks.Love, Cali

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A pompous minister was seated next to

a TEXAN on a flight to Dallas. After the

plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The TEXAN asked for a whiskey and

soda, which was brought and placed

before him.

The flight attendant then asked the

minister if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be

savagely raped by brazen whores

than let liquor touch my lips."

The TEXAN looked at the minister, then

handed his drink back to the attendant

and said, "I didn't know we had a choice."

Oh my gosh.
You are going to burn in hell.

Bad Ryan. Bad bad bad.

I am so disappointed in you.

 
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Ha haaahaaa! Good one!


Originally Posted by Californian Another Bad JOKE...This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to

my left and there was

a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with

her face up next to

her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner. I

looked away for a

couple seconds and when I looked back she was

halfway over in my lane,

still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me

so much that I

dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the

donut out of my other

hand. In all the confusion of trying

to straighten out the car using my knees against

the steering wheel, it

knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell

into the coffee

between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and

the Twins, ruined the

damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected

an important call.

Damn women!<!-- END TOC -->

 
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Well, here we go again! Hurricane Francis heading our way. I have to keep my sense of humor at nerve wracking times like this so wanted to share a little Hurricane humor with ya'll. Dave Berry: Hurricane Preparation for Floridians After this past week we all should be aware of hurricane preparations, but in case you need a refresher course: We're into the enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Atlantic Ocean and making two basic meteorological points. (1) There is no need to panic. (2) We could all be killed. Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." Based on our insurance industry experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan: STEP 1: Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days. STEP 2: Put these supplies into your car. STEP 3: Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween. Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida. We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items: Homeowner's Insurance: If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements: (1) It is reasonably well-built, and (2) It is located in Wisconsin Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss. Shutters: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows and all the doors. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages: Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December. Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them. Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska. Hurricane Proofing your property: As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc. You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built (immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles. Evacuation Route: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida," you live in a low-lying area). The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely. Hurricane Supplies: If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM. In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies: At least 23 flashlights and at least $167 worth of batteries that will turn out, when the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights. Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!) A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.) A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Andrew; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.) $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth. Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean. Good luck, and remember: It's great living in Paradise!!
 
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Harleymom, that was so funny! Its not so bad over here since I guess everyone in Pinellas county still has their 23 flashlights and at least $167 worth of batteries...and bleach.
 
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LOL... Love Dave Berry! "... "... A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool) ..." -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Originally Posted by Harleymom10860 Well, here we go again! Hurricane Francis heading our way. I have to keep my sense of humor at nerve wracking times like this so wanted to share a little Hurricane humor with ya'll. Dave Berry: Hurricane Preparation for Floridians After this past week we all should be aware of hurricane preparations, but in case you need a refresher course: We're into the enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Atlantic Ocean and making two basic meteorological points. (1) There is no need to panic. (2) We could all be killed. Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." Based on our insurance industry experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan: STEP 1: Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days. STEP 2: Put these supplies into your car. STEP 3: Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween. Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida. We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items: Homeowner's Insurance: If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements: (1) It is reasonably well-built, and (2) It is located in Wisconsin Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss. Shutters: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows and all the doors. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages: Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December. Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them. Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska. Hurricane Proofing your property: As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc. You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built (immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles. Evacuation Route: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida," you live in a low-lying area). The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely. Hurricane Supplies: If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM. In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies: At least 23 flashlights and at least $167 worth of batteries that will turn out, when the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights. Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!) A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.) A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Andrew; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.) $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth. Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean. Good luck, and remember: It's great living in Paradise!!
 
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