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I need your help on a friendship issue cause I don't know what to do. I have a close friend (Melissa) and we have been friends for about 5 yrs. I consider her to be my closest friend. We have a lot in common, we like to party and share some of the same issues in life (both of us have non-existant relationships with our fathers, trust issues with guys). Anyways, lately, she has been hanging out with another acquaintance of ours (Cindy) who I do not like. I work with Cindy and she is just one of those people who think her $hit don't stink. She is not the type of person who respects herself and she always talks mad $hit about other people. She is a very negative person too and that is just someone who I do not want to be associated with. My friend Melissa has been hanging out with Cindy a lot because they like to go out to bars and because I was going to school, I wasn't able to go out with them during the weeknights. When Melissa calls me to go out with them, I usually give her a BS excuse as to why I can't go cause I dont want to deal with Cindy. I hate that! She and I used to hang out a lot and now I feel like we aren't as close as before. I don't want to tell her my dislike for Cindy because I don't want her to think that I want her to choose between the two of us. But, I miss her and our friendship. I don't have a lot of friends so that is why this hurts. I feel like I am losing one of my closest friendships and I don't know what to do.

If you read this far, thanks and any suggestions are greatly appreciated.

 

Liz

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That sucks. I know how you feel since that happened to me before.

Try talking to her like Charms said. Or try inviting her out and be like "I just wanted catch up and hang out" kind of saying "i just want to hang out with you". hope it works out!

 
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Originally Posted by Charmaine Hi Marisol, that sucks that this is happening to you. I have a question though, if you consider Melissa your closest friend, why didn't you mention to her way before about your dislike for Cindy? I really think the best way to deal with this is to have a one on one talk with Melissa, at a time when both of you are relaxed and not having bad days. Tell her how you feel. I actually thought of talking to her but I don't want to seem like I am being petty. I am not the type of person who has to be with her friends 24/7. I can go a week without talking to her and things are ok. But I guess I just miss our friendship. I talked to her today and she isn't doing anything this weekend so maybe I will ask her if she wants to go get a drink or something and talk to her.
She knew of my dislike of Cindy long before she became friends with her. She actually didn't like her too much either but because Cindy parties with her more than I do, they just hang out more often. Its kind of weird because I know that I am better friends with her and I know she thinks of me that way too but I just can't help feeling this way. Does that make sense?

I think my insecurities are getting the best of me and I don't like it.


 
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Originally Posted by Marigold19 Marisol, it's a kind of a problem if you feel bad with this situation. But think about it from the other side. Maybe your friend also feels a little lonely because you don't have a lot of time for her and she wants only someone to go to parties or clubs with her. Maybe her relationship with Cindy isn't anything deep, she is just a person with whom she hangs out on weeknights and she misses you a lot. I think the best way is to talk with her and tell her all that. You can tell her that you don't like Cindy and you don't feel good with her and you going all out together. I think she will understand what you mean. I think that´s right. if Melissa didn´t like Cindy before and they´re just hanging out a lot now it doesn´t mean they´re best friends now. If she´s a close friend, she wouldn´t feel like she has to choose between you and Cindy. but there´s gotta be room for both you and Cindy in her life, right?

I have friends who I´m really close with, and friends who I party with and go shopping with. I would always choose my close friends over my shopping buddies, doesn´t mean that I ´don´t like them, we just don´t have that much in common.

anyway, I hope you get to talk to Melissa about this. I´m sure she understands you feel left out. I´ve felt left out a lot from my close friends cause I haven´t seen them for weeks cause I needed to study, which some of them didn´t understand.

I´m sure everything will work out. heads up!


 
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I think you should talk to her and explain how much she means for you. You should also let her know why you couldn't hang out with her all the time. Good luck sweetie, I hope it works out. If she is your your real friend, she will understand.

 
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Thanks girls for all your suggestions. I felt somewhat silly posting this cause I am a grown woman and things like this shouldn't happen to us anymore, right?

When I do talk to her, I will let you know what happens.

 
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Marisol, this is a nice board and all of us there care for your feelings so don't feel silly. I hate to say it but when people are grown up, things get complicated.. It isn't as innocent as the childhood. I hope your friend knows what a great friend you are.

Originally Posted by Marisol Thanks girls for all your suggestions. I felt somewhat silly posting this cause I am a grown woman and things like this shouldn't happen to us anymore, right?
When I do talk to her, I will let you know what happens.

 
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Hi Marisol, I can see why you feel upset,and i can understand how you are feeling and why. It must also be worrying to see your friend get involved with someone who could be a bad influence. That's a worry in itself.

If i were you i would arrange to see your friend in private (just the 2 of you) and tell her how you feel. Mabe once she know's how you feel she will be more aware of your feelings .Also it sounds as though it would be better if you could see your friend (without the other girl Cindy) and spend more quality time together as a twosome, often 3 friends together can be difficult anyway as often one person feels left out.

I would tell her how you feel and then let her do what she will, chances are if this girl Cindy is a bad inflence, it won't take Mellisa long to find out for herself. At least you have been brave enough to warn her and say something.If Mellisa is worthy of your friendship then she will understand your feelings and you can both work it out together.

I hope your meeting with your friend works out OK. Our thoughts are with you.

 
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Hey Marisol,dont feel sad
I do think you should talk to your friend and if she knows what a sweet and caring person you are,she will understand.There is nothing wrong with you, you just enjoy your friends company and you want your friend to have good friend like you do.I bet if this other girl was a good person who didnt get on your nerves,you wouldnt mind meliisa hangin out with her.

Talk to her and im sure she will understand but in the meantime i am wishing you the best.


 
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Hey, Marisol. I think all of the girls have really good advice for you..seems like you have quite a few "close" friends right here. I think Liz had a good idea, just invite her out....just her. It doesn't have to mean going to a bar. Maybe shopping or coffee or lunch, or get involved in another activity that the two of you can do together according to your schedule. Perhaps you have another hobby or something you two can do together on a consistent basis, that way you know you have time allocated just for the two of you. So let her go out with Cindy to bars and clubs, it won't affect your relationship with her. I used to have a lot of party buddies, but they were just that party buddies. When the party was over, or when I really needed a friend, they were nowhere to be found. Cindy may just be that to your friend, Melissa. Good friends are hard to find. I'm sure things will fall into place for you.


Originally Posted by Marisol I need your help on a friendship issue cause I don't know what to do. I have a close friend (Melissa) and we have been friends for about 5 yrs. I consider her to be my closest friend. We have a lot in common, we like to party and share some of the same issues in life (both of us have non-existant relationships with our fathers, trust issues with guys). Anyways, lately, she has been hanging out with another acquaintance of ours (Cindy) who I do not like. I work with Cindy and she is just one of those people who think her $hit don't stink. She is not the type of person who respects herself and she always talks mad $hit about other people. She is a very negative person too and that is just someone who I do not want to be associated with. My friend Melissa has been hanging out with Cindy a lot because they like to go out to bars and because I was going to school, I wasn't able to go out with them during the weeknights. When Melissa calls me to go out with them, I usually give her a BS excuse as to why I can't go cause I dont want to deal with Cindy. I hate that! She and I used to hang out a lot and now I feel like we aren't as close as before. I don't want to tell her my dislike for Cindy because I don't want her to think that I want her to choose between the two of us. But, I miss her and our friendship. I don't have a lot of friends so that is why this hurts. I feel like I am losing one of my closest friendships and I don't know what to do.
If you read this far, thanks and any suggestions are greatly appreciated.

 
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Hi Marisol..

Well-i know i am a bit late here, however, if you guys are close friends, you should be able to tell her "listen, its not that i dont want to hang out with you, i do, however, Cindy and I dont get along and I feel uncomfortable" or whatever the case is. Its not to make her choose, but its to inform her how YOU feel. Feelings need to be respected. I am sure that if the roles were reversed and she was suddenly not hanging out with you and your "new friend" you would want to know.

Just explain it. its not petty. Believe me, I have a friend who sometimes just gets on my nerves because she likes to think that she's gotta be "in charge" and sometimes talks DOWn to me about things i know alot about and she doesnt, like she knows it ALL..I feel like she "competes" with me.. and it really cramps our friendship. I dont invite her to much anymore because she just cant chill the h*ll out. Plus, i used to think we were better friends then we really are. I learned that after she was in my wedding and then totally ignored me at hers. I wasn't in a single picture or anything. Friends can be weird.

Just talk to her, if you and her are close, she will understand and be interested in your feelings..

 
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Originally Posted by MacForMe Hi Marisol..
Well-i know i am a bit late here, however, if you guys are close friends, you should be able to tell her "listen, its not that i dont want to hang out with you, i do, however, Cindy and I dont get along and I feel uncomfortable" or whatever the case is. Its not to make her choose, but its to inform her how YOU feel. Feelings need to be respected. I am sure that if the roles were reversed and she was suddenly not hanging out with you and your "new friend" you would want to know.

Just explain it. its not petty. Believe me, I have a friend who sometimes just gets on my nerves because she likes to think that she's gotta be "in charge" and sometimes talks DOWn to me about things i know alot about and she doesnt, like she knows it ALL..I feel like she "competes" with me.. and it really cramps our friendship. I dont invite her to much anymore because she just cant chill the h*ll out. Plus, i used to think we were better friends then we really are. I learned that after she was in my wedding and then totally ignored me at hers. I wasn't in a single picture or anything. Friends can be weird.

Just talk to her, if you and her are close, she will understand and be interested in your feelings..

Well said!I don't think the friend would like it if the situation were reversed and this is a good time for her to show the bonds of friendship.

 
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Originally Posted by Pauline Well said!I don't think the friend would like it if the situation were reversed and this is a good time for her to show the bonds of friendship.

Mwah.. thank you Pauline..
 
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Hope things work out for you hun! :icon_love I agree with the gals... just give her a call - tell her you're going ____ and ask if she'd like to join you. Then you can ask her about her nights out with Cindy - where they went, what they did, etc. and maybe by what she says, you can judge what kind of new 'friendship' they really have. Then just use that to see how you should approach the situation to her. Maybe she'll just come right out and say something that will ease your worries & you won't have to confront her at all about it. You never know unless you try. And if she is that close of a friend, she'd understand that you didn't get along with Cindy before, and she can't really expect you to get along with her now. I think if you just tell her the truth, it will get everything out in the open, and nobody will feel left out. Good luck sweetie, I'm sure you'll get everything worked out.


 
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I went out to dinner with my friend today and I am happy to report that it was a great dinner. At first, we just sort of caught up on what was going on in our lives and stuff that was going on at work. I told her how I have been feeling and she said that she felt the same way too... that there was a distance between us and couldn't figure out what it was. I explained to her how I felt and was trying really hard to be nice when the topic of Cindy came up. We talked it over and agreed that our friendship was worth a lot more than going out ad partying on the weekends. She told me that I was a true friend to her and that Cindy was someone she hung out with to party. This conversation was definately needed and we both realize how important we each are to each others lives. Thank you all for all your advice. It definately helped!



 
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Originally Posted by Charmaine YAY Marisol! Glad you guys talked and straightened things out. I'm happy for you!
You and me both! She is the closest friend I have. She is the one who I trust with everything that is going on in my life. Its good to know that I can count on her and she can count on me.
 

Liz

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glad you were able to work things out smoothly


 
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Marisol, this is such good news. I'm happy to hear that you were able to have such heartfelt conversation with your friend. Now you can exhale knowing that that piece of your life is back in place.

:icon_love

Originally Posted by Marisol I went out to dinner with my friend today and I am happy to report that it was a great dinner. At first, we just sort of caught up on what was going on in our lives and stuff that was going on at work. I told her how I have been feeling and she said that she felt the same way too... that there was a distance between us and couldn't figure out what it was. I explained to her how I felt and was trying really hard to be nice when the topic of Cindy came up. We talked it over and agreed that our friendship was worth a lot more than going out ad partying on the weekends. She told me that I was a true friend to her and that Cindy was someone she hung out with to party. This conversation was definately needed and we both realize how important we each are to each others lives. Thank you all for all your advice. It definately helped!


 

Jen

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I'm happy it is all working out for ya, Marisol! :icon_love You sound like an awesome friend. :icon_love

 

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