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September 14, 2004 Fast Forward Spam Not Responsible For Election of Viagra, Missouri Officials Say JEFFERSON CITY, Missouri, Nov. 3 -- Missouri officials deny that spam or other email voting improprieties played any part in Missouri's election of Viagra and Cialis as President and Vice President in yesterday's national election. "Our email was perfectly secure," said Mary Jo Splunkett, a Missouri elections official. "There is every indication that these fine pharmaceutical products enjoy tremendous support among Missouri residents serving overseas." A final tally of presidential balloting in Missouri showed that Online-poker.hold'um.com ran a close second, followed by cheapdrugz.org. The number of emails received from overseas soldiers vastly outnumbered the number of ballots cast by other Missouri residents. Of the 3.4 million votes cast, over 2.7 million were supposedly cast by Missourians stationed in combat zones or special duty stations overseas, even though Missourians are thought to have no more than 100,000 residents serving in such positions. "I think it goes to show that when you make voting convenient, more people participate," said Pierre Glup, an expert on voting trends, "Even if it's more than are actually out there." "I admit I don't know much about Viagra's platform or its positions on domestic or foreign policy," said Jordy Blutt, a St. Louis resident. "But I can't imagine it'd be much worse than any of the other guys." __________________________________________________ ________________ September 07, 2004 Kerry To Try Clinton's Respirator Today, shortly after Bill Clinton, fresh from surgery, started breathing on his own, John Kerry willingly went on Clinton's discarded respirator in hopes of "resuscitating his campaign." Doctors agreed, saying that Kerry's breathing was shallow, his pulse was weak, his skin was pale and clammy, and his campaign didn't look so hot either. "With adequate therapy, we have some hope that we can get the candidate breathing on his own and passionately gesticulating in the near future," said Dr. Lila Phippsman, an attending surgeon specializing in revivification. Kerry is being treated in a special hospital ward located in a high tower topped by many ominous-looking lightening rods and filled with many dramatically whirring, sparking instruments. "I don't know if we can do anything for him," said assistant Igor Stravinsky. "But the lab certainly looks good." Doctors were considering, among other operations, performing an ocular enhancement, a laryngeal dichoto-otomy, and some botox. "When he leaves here," said Phippsman, "He'll have a strong, understandable vision, he'll be able to speak directly and clearly, and, perhaps most importantly, his forehead will be virtually wrinkle-free." __________________________________________________ ____________________ September 09, 2004 Kerry Win Will Give Nation Painful, Itching Hemorrhoids, Says Cheney Nation Could Get Hickies, Cooties, Too In a speech to the national Association Of Wealthy CEO's today, Dick Cheney warned that if John Kerry were elected, everyone would get painful, itching hemorrhoids, and "a lot of other bad things." "You would all regret it,' said Cheney. "This country would have a hard time sitting down." Cheney also warned of boils, plagues, frogs, hail, and terrifically unwatchable reality shows. "If you thought that 'Amish In The City' thing was bad, be very afraid ," he advised. "Safeguard your children." Earlier this week, Cheney had said that if Americans chose Kerry, the nation would suffer a devestating terrorist attack, but Ann Womack, a spokeswoman for Mr. Cheney, backed away from that statement, saying that Cheney was merely trying to highlight policy differences between the candidates. "He's serious about the hemorrhoids, though," she said. Cheney also said that, as a hedge against the Kerry's election, he has cornered the market on comfortable seat cushions. Source: http://tomburka.com/
 

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